Friday, January 8, 2010
Strange Reactions
Has anyone else experienced strongly negative reactions from friends without children? I have had at least two fairly close friends issue dire warnings about how much work (duh!) and suffering I am letting myself in for. I have tried to laugh it off, but in both cases they have insistently pushed the whole "kids are so annoying, so much work, say good-bye to your freedom," story. WTF?
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Well, I can't say they're entirely wrong lol, but that's extremely rude for them to say. Parenthood will definitely change some of your friendships as well as your life.
ReplyDelete- Strawberry
I only get that reaction when i say i want four.Evidently there is a limit of 2.375 for straight folks and ONE for the gays.
ReplyDelete* My theory.All the fert clinics,attorneys and other money grubbers are all in it to make sure ONE is all we can afford.
I received that reaction from someone one time... and in my normal brutally honest way, I told them to keep their opinions to themself if they can't be supportive. I also informed them that this is a decision Holly and I have discussed for a long time and is something we are ready for.
ReplyDeleteLike 1invermillion mentioned, having a kid will change relationships with you and your friends. But the ones who stick around are the true friends in the end.
Hmmm. I guess our circle of friends has evolved to the people who either already HAVE children or who are planning on having them, so no, we aren't getting those kinds of comments.
ReplyDeleteWe HAVE gotten comments from family members who say things like "oh, you won't be able to travel anymore with twins" or "sleep now, you won't be able to for the next 18 years" or "you know you're days of going out to dinner are almost over".
I just keep quiet. This is their experience. Not mine. Every family is different and we just have to wait and see what our experience is like for our family.
Sorry you are left hearing such unsupportive comments from 'friends'. They just don't get it cuz they don't want it.
Yeah, I totally understand that! My own mom has only recently stopped saying things like that. "Don't you think you should wait, you'll never sleep well again, they cost so much, they are a huge stress on your relationship..." Blah blah blah.
ReplyDeleteI think your friends are just worried you won't be as good of friends anymore with your new addition. As usual, people look out for their own interests first. Chin up! Your own happiness is most important!
I had my father say those things to me.
ReplyDelete"You know, kids are a lifetime commitment. They are always there."
Come to find out... sadly and disturbingly... he never really wanted kids...
Usually there is a root cause to people's rudeness and ignorance. I would chalk it all up to that. It is not a reflection of you in any way. It is their issue.
Oddly, I was just about to write about this phenomenon in the next few days. Your childless-by-choice friends... it will be challenging to maintain those friendships. We had dreams of this cadre of aunties gathered around our Kiddo, but instead found that they were only interested in her for five minutes, then wanted to go out drinking like the old days.
ReplyDeleteThe good news is that your children will make all sorts of friends for you, but the interim time... it's a little sad.
We've gotten that from a couple of people. We are thrilled with our baby boy, of course, but it is crazy how demanding and tiring it all is initially. You can never really be prepared for it, I don't think. Still, it is rude for people to say such things to someone actively trying to get pg.
ReplyDeletePeople have said that to us. Gay and straight. From my perspective, I think folks have a lot of ideas of what having children is like and some of it is just not true for us. Yes, when we had children our life changed, do we sometimes miss some of the things we did before we had kids, sure, yet none of those things outweigh us having our son and daughter in our lives. I think if you don't want to parent children, don't, if you do good luck to you, either way both sets of friends can be in our lives if we respect our choices.
ReplyDeleteWhen people have made comments I usually respond with I don't agree, that's not how it is with us, or we'll see, if it is especially hurtful and biased I usually tell them so in the hope that because we are friends they will reconsider comments that insult and devalue our commitment as parents and as a family. Most friends who don't like kids or who have hang ups about having kids have chilled out and still hang out with us, a few not as much which is fine by us.
We are TTC our second pregnancy and personally for me, who will be carrying, I need positive encouragement about fertility and baby making so my patience at the moment with friends who would rather not have children or think baby making is a relationship killer is really low. :)
-Rebecca
Ugh! How annoying! We haven’t gotten that, but really only some friends know, and many of them have kids. It’s probably also b/c 95% of our friends are straight.
ReplyDeleteBut who cares what they think – yes, kids are a lot of work, but I’m betting that early morning snuggles will more than make up for it! Besides, who is going to change THEIR diapers when they’re old??
:)
Sounds like those people may be trying to reassure themselves that they have made the right decision to live kid-free. Just smile and nod. :)
ReplyDeleteShit. Isn't it amazing that the people without kids know SO much about what it's like to have children?
ReplyDeleteMost of our friends are teachers, so they're pretty kid-friendly. (Though I have known teachers who aren't kid friendly, which is a head scratcher.) I haven't told hardly anyone, but I did have a good friend WITH kids tell me I was in for it. :) I agree with everyone who says it's their issue and not yours. It is weird to me that people wouldn't just be positive and keep their issues to themselves.
ReplyDeleteI haven't heard that BUT I have not told my parents or my brother that we are TTC because I absolutely refuse to share this experience with people who won't be supportive to us. I know my immediate family won't be supportive, so they don't get to be a part of our lives until after the fact.
ReplyDeleteOur friends, on the other hand, are wonderfully supportive. Only one "friend" of M's had a negative response when we first told her and her reasons are so screwed up it's hard to even think of her as a friend. She's single and lonely, though, so I'm with Ruby in thinking it's more about her than us.
no one has the right to squash your dreams. keep going forward as you have planned and take things as they come. everyone's experience is different.
ReplyDeleteHello there!
ReplyDeleteI have to say that when I was married, everyone thought it was so great I was having a baby.
But the 2nd time around, when I went the SMC route, it was negativity everywhere, people couldn't wait to tell me how hard it would be, how I would regret doing it alone, blah, blah.
They seem to have forgotten that Farty was not my 1st baby, so I did have some small inkling of what I was in for, lol!
It really throws them for a loop when I tell them I'd love to have another one, the only thing stopping me is finances.
Best of luck!