To reduce the odds of identifying myself to undesirables (i.e., insurance companies), I have changed my profile name on this blog and left some of the details fuzzy. I have new insurance and today was told that I have to enroll in their "fertility program." Okay, no problem. Call this number and follow the prompts.
But when I called, literally the first words out of the agent's mouth were, "How long had you been having unprotected sex with your male partner before going to the doctor?" I am not a good liar, and I must admit I was taken completely off-guard. Fortunately, I had the wherewithal to say "I am at work right now and cannot answer those questions." And then I called the clinic to ask for advice-- then called a couple of male friends to ask if I could, if need be, cite them by name as donors. The story is: I have a female partner (this is too big to be avoided, especially as Speedy & I are legally married and registered as such at my work, which is providing said evil insurance.) We decided to start trying in August 2008 and recruited first one male friend then another (after a year of unsuccesful attempts with MF 1) before graduating to IUIs last month. Sounds good right? This is why, if anyone asks, my name has changed.
Why does it feel so mortifying? This post will self-destruct.
UPDATE: Now the nurse at the RE's office seems to think they will deny me because I admitted to having a female partner (how could I not?! It is verifiable information.) I wonder if the worst-case scenario is trying to do this from home with my four months' supply of Follistim and OPKs? Or go straight to out-of-pocket IVF (which is more expensive short term but has a 60+% success rate.)
FUCKERS! I'm hoping I am just over-reacting.
What a smack in the face THAT was. This world really needs to change. Yes your "story" sounds good. I don't blame you for being taken off guard.
ReplyDeleteI hate that crap too! People just assume STRAIGHT. Like lesbians don't desire to have children too. I have a second job where 1/2 know I'm gay and 1/2 don't. I don't know why word hasn't spread more. I wish it would because I'm sick of people's ignorance.
ReplyDelete1-I hate hoop jumping.
ReplyDelete2-Our insurance knew about my wife and really didn't say a word. Obviously my wife has no sperm, so we automatically were filed under infertile. I hope your insurance has the same open eyes.
I totally feel your pain, Schroe. (Can I call you Schroe?) We postponed our TTC process for a year because I didn't feel comfortable lying to my insurance company. My wife is my dependent; I'm sure they could have figured it out and I didn't want to take chances. Their rule for females without male partners was one year of IUIs in a doctor's office before they'd cover anything fertility-related. The male friend sex partner was definitely a story I had considered. I even had the guy picked out. Luckily, I switched insurance companies and the new company doesn't have any hoops to make you jump through. A doctor's diagnosis is enough. The system is so fucked up. Good luck with this mess. It's really set up to make things hard for us.
ReplyDeleteJust catching up and SHIT. Shit that you didn't hit the lotto and become a one hit wonder. Shit that it is affecting you more than you thought it would (it does that) and now this SHIT.
ReplyDeleteJust an FYI--take it or leave it BUT: If you can lie, DO IT.
As you know I am on Chicken's insurance therefore they KNOW I have a female partner. No denying that one.
BUT, they cannot prove that I don't also have a male partner as well and they cannot ask me any personal questions about male partner (such as name).
So, when I was asked how long I'd been having unprotected sex with my male partner, I said "Over a year."
That was the ONLY thing I had to say.
It sure beats paying out of pocket, but only you will know if you are up for lying.
My RE, on the other hand, knew the truth and had no problems with any of it and of course never notified the insurance company.
Problem solved.
Everyone is just trying to do their job. My job at that point was to get pregnant with insurance coverage, therefore, my job was to lie.
Grrrrrr.....this whole thing makes me so fucking mad. Herteronormativity has no place anywhere, especially our healthcare. I'm sorry to get so upset, but why the hell are you *any* less qualified for fertility coverage by your craptastic insurance company just b/c you happen to be a woman who is having a child with another woman?!!?!?!?! What a sadistic and moronic world we live in sometimes. And apologies for the rant. Hopefully they will turn out to be more admirable then expected.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't panic yet. My insurance covered almost all of my IUI and IVF costs and I told them right off the bat that I have a female partner. Didn't seem to matter a bit. I hope this is what you experience as well.
ReplyDeleteUgh, nothing like being asked extremely personal and assumptive questions by strangers. I hope that you get covered and don't have to jump through too many hoops. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteSchroe (I like that!) - I'm with Puffer - if you can lie, lie! (I never even THOUGHT of that!)
ReplyDeleteMy clinic is too by the books for that. And I am legally married in a state that recognizes gay marriage - which has created its own set of hoops. Like, my lesbian friends who want to adopt internationally are being told to not get married under any circumstances. It is easier to adopt as a single woman now that homophobic agencies abroad are figuring out that "single" ladies aren't necessarily single. That was a blow to learn. I'm starting to feel AWFULLY gay.
I was able to switch to my wife's insurance (at least I think the card is in the mail), but before that I had crappy insurance that didn't cover IVF at all, ever. If I hadn't been able to switch, I would have gone to IVF by now. We will have spent out of pocket on 6 cycles of IUIs (what lesbians must do to be considered "infertile" on Rose's insurance) more than we would have spent on a round of IVF. I am 37, as you are. I am facing the reality that it is much harder to get pregnant at 37. The BFNs are really starting to piss me off.
My two cents...or $8,400 plus the cost of meds!
Lie, Lie, Lie!
ReplyDeleteThink of all the billions they are pocketing in profit. Do not feel bad or be influenced by the RE nurse. The question is have you had unprotected sex for over a year, the answer is Yes. Like Pufferfish said, they can only ask this. How can they possibly verify without infringing on your privacy or the privacy of the male partner? Its a crappy way to live but unfortunately we are unable to do otherwise at this point in time.
I had a very similar "history" for the insurance company (aetna) and they asked many of the same questions but we had no problems getting coverage. I hope it goes the same way for you too. Good luck and sorry for all hoops you have to jump through. Truely a bunch of shite.
ReplyDeleteHmmm.. you must have Aetna... I went through the same thing with them about a year ago. They said that because I am in a same-sex relationship, I will have to try to conceive for a year before they will give me benefits. But if I were married to a man then my benefits for fertility would be available right away. It's not fair. If it's Aetna and you have already been trying for a year, then admitting you are in a same sex relationship will not deny you benefits. I would check to be sure before you admit anything. Good luck... insurance sucks but better them to pay for your fertility care than you... right?
ReplyDelete