Day 5: Blushing-- the story of me & Speedy

Oh, the Sapphic web we weave...

Nutella and e win the prize for making me blush, though I think Nutella already is familiar with some of the story...

Actually, because I have mostly gone into the details of this before, I am going to focus more on the aftermath, as it were... (In case you don't want to go back, here's the short story: Speedy was my vet back in '00 when I had just moved to the city; I thought she was hot but I was in the midst of my holy-shit-I'm-gay slut phase and she was...wearing a ring.  Cut to 6 years later, Speedy, newly liberated from her relationship, spied me at the gym and invited me out, oblivious to MY ring.  One ill-conceived but very short marriage (mine), one divorce (also mine), and approximately 16 animals later, here we are.)

...

The thing is, Ex and I had not much in common; she likes bars, softball and beer pong-- I like books, poetry readings and Scrabble.  She likes action-adventure movies, I like foreign dramas and documentaries.  She reads People Magazine; I read the New Yorker.  Etc., etc.  BUT what we did-- and do-- have is a way of seeing the world that I could never quite explain.  A way of respecting each other and always looking out for one another.  A real love.  I loved her, which I thought was enough of a reason to marry her, even though I knew in my heart I did not want to.  I thought I was doing it for her.  Because it was important to her. 

Only as the wedding drew nearer did I begin to realize what a drastic mistake I was making.  I think it came from a place of generosity-- I wanted to please her-- more than a place of cowardice-- I was afraid to admit I was in the wrong relationship-- but I know both things were involved.

The year we were married was, in many ways, really terrible.  I knew I had made a mistake and I felt sick about it.  Meanwhile, Speedy and I were growing closer in a way that I knew was jeopardizing any chance of a graceful exit.  Ex and I both withdrew from each other.  There were so many painful things about that time, not the least of which was the guilt that I stewed in daily.  Guilt for marrying Ex in the first place, guilt for not loving her enough, guilt for loving Speedy when I shouldn't have.  Guilt over not having my life together already...

The breakup was a foregone conclusion when it happened.  But it was the dead of winter and it was cold and dark and suddenly I was alone in bed with the dogs and no one I felt I could talk to.  At the same time, things were progressing with Speedy.  I surfed from elation to despair daily.  That period, from winter into spring, was surreal and awful.  Ex rented an apartment NEXT DOOR in the same building.  Every time I saw her she had that look on her face like a puppy who has been kicked again and again and again.  Speedy was terrified of her.  The dogs were confused.  Our friends did not know what to do.

Finally, Ex moved out.  Speedy moved in with me and we renovated her place.  Then Speedy and I moved back to her place.  All the while, Ex and I stayed in contact, and slowly we were able to move past the guilt (me) the anger (her) and the pain (both of us) to rebuild a new relationship.  It has taken years, but now we are closer than ever.  Speedy & I have dinner with Ex and her partner.  They record Dexter for us on their DVR.  When their baby was born prematurely, I visited them in the hospital almost every day until she came home. When I got pregnant they gave us so many clothes and gifts we ran out of thank you cards.  Last month, they spent a get-away weekend at my parents' house in VT. My parents always see them when they come down to NY.  We have become each other's extended families.  In a weird way, it has worked out better than I ever imagined.