Day 2: Biggest Pet Peeve

Nicole asked about my biggest pet peeves.  Which makes me think I am coming across as cranky as I can sometimes be.  I am a curmudgeon before my time, trust me.

I honestly don't know where to start.  But I think this should be an open question-- anyone reading, please feel free to leave your pet peeves in the comments!  I would be interested in seeing what everyone else's are.

TTC related pet peeves seem appropriate, and for that I will say the biggest one I had/have is when people say things like, "It will all work out for the best." (as in, "If it is meant to be..." etc.)  Which is TOTALLY the wrong thing to say to anyone who is undergoing such a maddeningly unfathomable process, because not only do you imply, intentionally or not, that there is some greater good in a failed cycle, but there is an implicit suggestion of deserving or merit in who conceives and who doesn't, some order or hierarchy that is obscure to us.  Which further implies an intelligent design or presence that dictates these things according to some celestial design... To which I say, "what a load of shit!"

Mmm-hmmm. I said it.  There is NO "fair" or "deserving" or celestial plan in the pain/elation of TTC.  There is statistics, and lots and lots of medical interventions. And lots that even statistics and medicine can't know or fix. And so many unknowns, both known and unknown.

There are people in this blogland that I would happily send my severed pinky to if I thought it would help them conceive because they want it so badly and I therefore want it that badly FOR them.  I ache for them to conceive, and yes, if I were to assign some standard by which people would be worthy to conceive based on longingness and persistence, I would have fallen far behind them in the order.  But there is no rhyme or reason to it.  I conceived and am-- thus far-- carrying a (as far as we know) healthy baby after only three total attempts, with one rotten chemical pregnancy on my second try.  No, I did not "deserve" that luck.  Nor did I somehow not deserve it because I hadn't been trying long enough or hard enough, or because I hadn't shed enough tears.  It just happened, which was great for me, and, while it may have been a psychological poke in the eye to others who had been trying longer or harder or with more soul-wrenching baby-hunger, it in no way affected their chances of conception.  There is no finite number of ttc success stories which was depleted.

Then there are also people who have carried babies this far or further, or not as far, who have had had tragic, terrible, unspeakable outcomes, the pain of which I hope I never know because, while I know most somehow find the "strength"* to survive, I don't want to plumb those depths if I don't have to.  Those people did not deserve those tragedies.  Tragedies just fucking happen.  And there is no assuaging the pain and guilt and horror of them, least of all by assigning some divine intent or plan to them. 

So ummm... I don't know.  I wasn't expecting this kind of vehement outpouring when I started writing about pet peeves.  I was expecting to write about water spots on the mirror and wet sponges left in the sink.  But it turns out, upon deeper reflection, that my biggest pet peeve seems to be any implication of a divine plan. Because if there IS a god running this place, well, it's nothing more than criminally negligent and incompetent and I want nothing to do with it!

*That's another pet peeve:  people praising those who suffer tragedy as "strong"-- while I am sure I have been guilty of this as well-- when all they are doing, in fact, is surviving, which we have been programmed to do, in spite of everything.  That is not to say that these people are NOT strong, but by invoking this perceived superpower that they must have that has enabled them to carry on, one fails to acknowledge the extent of their actual suffering.