Yesterday was my birthday.
Today I think birthdays should be done away with. Not because I'm excessively vain (just hit 36, and aside from the waning fertility window, don't really much give a sh*t, for anyone wondering) but because like New Year's Eve there is a preposterous expectation of something momentous, something delightful to take place, even when there is no corollary effort or even desire. It's this horrible destined-to-disappoint aspect of the day that makes me cranky from the get-go.
I am not a birthday diva. I do not want surprise parties or flowers or grand gestures. But there is a part of me that is conditioned to expect a certain level of doting, a certain amount of calls and cards, especially from certain people*-- even though at the same time I am well aware of how ridiculous and meaningless it is, and I refuse to admit that I am invested in it-- until it turns out that certain people* don't call, I get more bills than cards, and I have huge empty hours of the day to fill by myself-- especially when I am feeling tender and ouchy from surgery... then apparently I just have a full-fledged melt-down.
Poor gf. She weathered it the best she could.
Stupid day.
*E.g., Mom & Dad.
UPDATE: Oh boy! I was feeling so sorry for myself when I wrote this I forgot to say that some very lovely things did indeed happen on my birthday, and I am grateful for:
* a walk in the sunshine with gf
* passionfruit tartlets from Sweet Melissa
* new cookbooks from ex-across-the-hall
* triple lemon tart from Ladybird
* a fabulous bibimbap dinner with three of my most favorite people in the world, gf and M&D, which I only vaguely remember but I know was wonderful
* chocolate and wine at the Chocolate Bar.
For those who expressed sympathy for my birthday ennui, I really appreciate it your warm thoughts.... I just feel a little abashed now that I see from the distance of a few days and meals that I was much too full of self-pity to remember how much gratitude I have for the abundance of wonderful things in my life.
For what it's worth, happy birthday!
ReplyDeleteI'm feeling so much of this same thing today as I turn 33.
And I've never felt so nothing about a birthday.
Happy Belated Birthday!!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that some people missed your birthday (me included). I think as we get older birthdays are one of those things that we like to pretend don't matter anymore. But they really do. I'm like you, don't throw me a surprise party...but at the same time it hurts not to be celebrated a little.
Love and hugs!