Now I've gone and spoiled the punchline, but let me set the stage: Early in the morning. Pre-tea. Pre-shower. It is rainy and hot-- so when I am preparing to walk the dogs, I am already hot but I want to stay dry, and therefore I unwisely don my oversized raincoat that I stole from Ex and leave, hoping for the best. Immediately upon going outside, I generate some toxic sticky sweat slurry from the combined humidity of the air and the humidity of my pregnant lady portliness, causing me to adhere to the inside of the coat-- so, after several long minutes, I take off said coat and make peace with the cooling drizzle, focusing instead on the blister slowly rising on my left heel under my nice new shiny Bogs boots and their HOLY HOT FEET! insulated neoprene-ness. After the dogs have a short run in the park, I make my damp, wretched return trip, tank top barely covering my big belly, but by this time I really don't care.
It is thus that I stumble upon a small scrum of garbage men, hovering over some crazy-heavy industrial steel something-or-other trying to figure out how to lift it into the truck. Since I have large dogs, one of whom wears a scary looking muzzle, I instinctively reassure them that they can keep all their body parts-- I keep the dogs close to me and murmur "Good morning" as we sidle by.
As I walk on, loosening the dogs' leashes and setting my grateful eyes upon the steep stoop that leads to our building-- and the chance to take off those boots and have a shower-- one of the garbage guys yells to my retreating back: "Nothin' says lovin' like something in the oven!"
....
Thank you, Mr. Garbageman for almost making me giggle if I didn't want so badly to knock you out for being an ignorant ass! But, ew, the implication that this belly-- and the THOUSANDS OF FREAKING DOLLARS and COUNTLESS HOURS in the RE's waiting room spent, not to mention the stirrups, the dildocams, the unholy degradations that I have suffered for it-- was somehow the result of a steamy night with an man? Ugh, ugh....UGH! And grr!
But still, kind of funny. If I didn't want to knock you out.
Ha! And ewwwwwwwww.
ReplyDeleteYou have to wonder how long he's been sitting on that line. You needed a good comeback...something like "That's the last time I go past my tequila shot limit." Meh.
ReplyDeleteYou should have taken the time to explain all about how lesbian lovin' leads to a baby, along with all the pertinent medical details. Men love to hear all about your cycle!
ReplyDeleteToo funny-and infuriating! I agree with Strawberry, we need a few fun comebacks.
ReplyDeleteJust by the title, I totally thought this was going to be a post about your, um, activities w/ Speedy!
ReplyDeleteSeriously, why do they feel the need to make those comments? I got the same thing.
ReplyDeleteBut yeah, it was a little funny. It gives me visions of you of you boffing the pillsbury dough boy or something. ;)
yuck
ReplyDeleteFunny and gross at the same time. And...if I'm not too late...can I add a question to the list? Do you and Speedy hope to have more than one child? Sorry..I've been such a delinquent commenter of late.
ReplyDeleteI feel the need to comment on this and yet have no idea what to say. I'm sure this kind of thing happens outside of NYC, and yet, if feels like such a trademark of our fair city.
ReplyDeletetbean-- thanks for the question... I will add it to the list. I have homework :)
ReplyDeletewow. just wow.
ReplyDeleteTotally funny! Bad taste but funny, considering the circumstances!
ReplyDelete