Am I really going on 25 weeks? That feels like a lot. I am round, though everyone says I look small for this far along. I am constantly bumping into corners and shutting the bathroom stall door on my belly.
My NEW (and much improved) midwife seems to think everything is going along fine, measurements and heartrate are all within normal. Weight gain was not as bad as I thought-- I am +13 lbs. for the entire pregnancy so far. (+18 from my pre-Folli$tim weight-- boo!) I seem to eat ice cream every day now which is probably not a good thing, given that I have yet to do my glucose test. I am little nervous about that, but am under strict instructions to get it done asap. I am nervous because like every test I face I am afraid to fail, such a scaredycat am I sometimes... Oh yeah, ants, spiders, snakes, rats, mountain lions-- I'm FINE with them. But tests...ulp! But what if I do badly? What if I barf all that nasty glucose fluid all over the waiting room?
This morning I made the mistake of listening to an old playlist on my way into work. Ani DiFranco, Melissa Ferrick... you know the tracks, can probably recite the lyrics. It made me so nostalgic for the me I was when I was 27 and just out of grad school #3, living with a clique of performance-art and writerly dykes, going to protests and marches, going out to drag king performances and girl bars, making out with anonyomous tattooed girls after the bars closed, drinking coffee blearily on my way to work (which seemed like just an annoying distraction from the main attraction of my life)-- sex, art, politics, and fearless striving for a better world. I am not nostalgic for the ashtray-in-my-mouth mornings, or for the rumpled companions who would all too often find their ways into my life for a night or a month. I am not nostalgic for those painful road trips to DC or to the Michigan Wymyn's Music Festival for a week of mildewy tenting, or for the constant stream of overdraft notices in my rented mailbox. But I am nostalgic for the person I was (or thought myself to be), so unencumbered, so bold, so unafraid.
These days I am holding myself more precious: there's a BABY inside of me. Physically and mentally I feel softer than I have ever been, and I am not used to it. I am used to being full of angles and hard edges and sharp lines. This blurriness of my own lines is the strangest and not entirely welcome aspect of pregnancy for me. Not just my body, but my mind. And the Tired, guys! I have the Tired like you cannot believe! Like I used to have to time to go shopping and make cards and do silly things like go to concerts and poetry readings and paint the bathroom just for the hell of it, and now... I am lucky if I make it through my list of must-dos by the end of the day. I. Trudge.
Don't get me wrong. I am happy and so looking forward to meeting Speetus (and I just read that an acquaintance of mine gave birth at 29 weeks because of HELLP-- yikes!) And I love my life with Speedy and the Beasts. But man, my youth is GONE, dudes. Gone. And Ani-- she has all those fabulous tracks she laid down to document her incredible transitions, and I am so happy that I mapped so much of mine onto her songs, because at least for the space of a subway ride, I can remember it so very well....
i loved this post - i frequently feel nostalgic for my more radical college days too. change is good, i wouldnt trade my marriage/kids etc., but those days did feel so much freer and were full of such excitement!
ReplyDeletethe part about hating to fail tests made me laugh - i had been putting off getting my eyes examined for WAY too long because i hate feeling like such a failure when i cant read the wall of letters. how effed up is that?! :) [i did finally get new glasses last weekend!]
i will be singing that ani song all day now....
This post is so perfect and so beautifully written - in every way. The history that is revealed in these memories so effortlessly represents where you came from and where you’re heading.
ReplyDeleteYour recollection of your unique journey is inviting and your memories resonate so completely with where I’m at now… minus the beautiful belly you’ve been sharing lately.
The nostalgia gets to you sometimes and I just hope to be able to craft something even a little bit like this in the future. Thank you for sharing this glimpse into your beautiful history and in the excitement of your future!
Ani has a way of bringing that stuff up for me too. I love and admire who I used to be, but ultimately I'm much happier now (despite the epic infertility journey). I acted boldly then but I spent so much time worrying how I came across. I still worry about that now but I'm so much more confident and less afraid. I wish I could blend a little 21 year old me into today me though.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad everything's going so well at 25 weeks. Keep eating that ice cream - Speetus needs it.
I echo others, I really loved this post! Its been really interesting to me how much I 'worry' about my body these days - "Is that milk a bit off" or "what would happen if we were to get side-swipped", "should I be down in this dusty, moldy basement" -- I am fairly hardy and have NEVER worried about my own safety, but all of a sudden i've become a bit of a nervious-nelly. Im not really to call the carefree days of somewhat-radicalism over, but i'm certainly on hiatus for these few months.
ReplyDelete(Is it a freudian slip that my word verification is brat(:))
I share the same feelings as the others who have commented before. So let me just say, "Amen, sister"
ReplyDelete...now it's time for a milkshake.
BEAUTIFULLY eloquenty said! :)
ReplyDeleteLove this post. Sometimes I listen to Ani just to remember who I was and who I planned to be. I do love to listen to her post-mommy songs too as there is a shift and a softening evenin her music. Time marches on. I have a feeling that your internal protester will emerge as needed to teach Speetus about equality. :)
ReplyDeleteas for the pregnancy, embrace ice cream and napping. Really, you deserve it!
Beautiful post. I'm glad you're holding yourself more precious these days. You deserve to.
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard to accept how different things are now...that we're truly 'adults' with adult concerns and responsibilities. Ouch! At the same time, we've had our fun and now we must embrace this new chapter in our lives (blah blah lol)But at least there's still ice cream.
ReplyDeleteYour Ani is my Depeche Mode. So, the other day when it was raining outside, we turned on my 80's awesome playmix and had a dance party in the living room with the babies.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure you'll make sure Speetus knows Ani and I'm sure the old you and the new you are going to merge just fine.
Ice cream, Yum. They have DQ's down here and I need a snickers blizzard:)
I feel the same way. Sometimes I panic and think, "omg, we should've gone out more, done this more, etc etc" before getting pregnant. But then i'm just glad we're not, you know, 15 or something.
ReplyDeleteOkay, it's here that I'll admit that I have no patience for Ani DiFranco. I tried her in college, and I couldn't get past 2 songs. Maybe I just heard bad ones...? Dunno. But it's awesome that you correlate your youth so closely with those songs. I definitely have things that take me back, like the past is so close I can almost touch it.
Btw, V has eaten ice cream almost every day this entire pregnancy, and she's totally fine.
Reading your post reminded me of how "serious" I was in my twenties. S. and I were already together, we were getting phds...I never had that gypsy period of day jobs and dating and fucking and drinking that some people have. But yeah, music always brings me back to particular moments and particular years and it is strange to sit back and take stock of how much has changed. Life is strange and unpredictable, to say the least.
ReplyDeletethis side of 30, i definitely feel that same tug of the girl i was - funky, wise, rocker...cool?! i don't know. but i am happy with my life now. even so--it's fun to remember, and it's okay to feel the little tinglings of longing for those times, too.
ReplyDeleteIt is amazing how many times I've thought to myself, "Ani DiFranco had a baby. I wonder how she's changed." And I was just lamenting the other day how much I miss being that excited about music and wondering if I would ever be as moved again as I was by Ani and PJ Harvey in my 20s. Well sung, friend.
ReplyDelete25 weeks! Wow. I'm sure it feels like it has sped past. So so glad to hear everything is going well. Can I be all ass-vise-y and suggest that you check that The Tired is not The Anemia? I know that for me, 19 weeks was right when it kicked in and I felt like suddenly I was in slow-mo. Once I started the iron syrup I felt miraculously human again within a few days.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you made good use of your "youth" - but I get that bittersweet feeling of "things are going to be different from now on". It's a transition - it will take some mind space to accept, even if it is a welcome one. xxxh