Today is one month

Thank you so much for your helpful comments about my breastfeeding and supply issues. The trouble continues, although I have reached a pint of acceptance about it. Luckily, Jonas LOVES LOVES LOVES the boob, like nothing else, so I don't feel outright rejected.

It is an ongoing struggle, though. My supply continues to be less than he needs. I am still trying to bring it up, but I wonder if I have hit my ceiling-- I am not sure because I stopped tracking my production at about 20 oz/day because I was getting OCD about it: How much did he eat? How much did I pump? What was my running tally? How did it compare to yesterday and the day before? Now, we know he is gaining (more than) enough weight so now I am content with our current strategy: if I run out of milk and he is still hungry, he gets a bump of formula. For the last two days, he has not needed any formula, so maybe this is a sign that we are reaching equilibrium. I continue to pop blessed thistle and fenugreek like there was some recreational benefit.

Our next challenge is sleep. We put him in the bath at about 9, and by the time he is clean, changed, swaddled and nursed it is 10. He sleeps for about an hour or ninety minutes then wakes up with gas-- we pick him up for some farting, nursing, burping, tummy rub, diaper change, swaddling, nursing...Repeat-- until about midnight. Then he sleeps until about 1 or 1:30 until he wakes again until about 1:30...sleeps till about 3, the up till about 4, then wake again at 5 or 5:30 till 6 or 6:30. By the 7:30 wake-up we are usually ready to get out of bed and at least have a cup of tea and a change of scenery. For the last two nights, we have traded off sleeping with him on the couch-- that is, one person actually sleeps while the other lightly dozes with Jonas the furnace on the couch. We never intended to co-sleep, but it is looking like we might be headed there for these first few months, as he refuses to let us sleep any other way. We have a pillow-top bed so we will have to make some adjustments to implement co-sleeping.

The best time of day is between 8 & 9 when Speedy walks the digs and I lie in bed with Jonas, letting him nurse lazily while I nap for an extra hour-- since I get up with almost every Jonas waking to pump, Speedy gives me this luxury.

Tonight Jonas and I are alone: Speedy has gone north to western Mass to look at real estate and talk to people about possible jobs. We are seriously thinking of moving in the early summer, since it is becoming all too clear that we can't afford to live here with Jonas and have any kind of life that we want. I did not sleep last night and won't tonight, so I apologize for the flatness of this post but I wanted to update.

I am half through my maternity leave and I cannot fathom going back to work right now. The thought is overwhelming, so today I will just focus on feeding and sleeping.