The other side

So last weekend, The Boy and I went to Vermont to visit my family-- along with my ex and her partner and their two kids.  It was 45 degrees and rainy.  That cold, penetrating dampness that makes being outside intolerable.  Now picture this: 3 toddlers (18 months, 2-1/2, and 3) cooped up in a strange house without their usual toys and distractions + a grumpy grandfather who thinks kids can be made to be quiet and stop banging/running/bickering if someone (namely, me) would just get with it.
Ha!
But we had fun anyway. We went to the museum and saw T. Rex bones and a Parasaurolophus model.  We saw eels and touched starfish.  We had lunch in the cafeteria and shook hands with the museum mascot, a guy in a giant orange gecko costume. We visited the miniature donkeys my parents are getting (because two dogs, four llamas, a horse and geriatric cat are not enough) and picked rhubarb from the garden to make a fresh strawberry-rhubarb pie. We dug up llama poo in the fields to take home to our own garden. 

And we had Nutella for breakfast.

The Boy stunned my parents with his language skills.  In the week of his sickness, he did not talk much, but I think his verbal neurons exploded.  I love listening to his thoughts and ideas as his verbal skills have progressed to the point that he carries on a steady stream of coherent conversation whether or not anyone is listening.  The first night we we there, I handed him a slice of pizza on a napkin, and he turned to my mother and said "Do you have any plates here, Oma?" I assume editing skills will eventually follow. 

I went to therapy this morning-- our couples therapist wanted to meet with us each individually-- I am not sure how this is going to go.  I have such huge, chronic anger that I can't access my empathy or kindness.  When I look back on our relationship ("What brought you together?") all I see is a phalanx of red flags I blithely ignored in favor of smelling the pheromones. 
I have a habit of quitting.  I know that.  If it were just me, I would have quit already. 

But I want The Boy to have two parents in a kind and loving relationship, and for him I am willing to try to get back there. He's old enough to understand things now and that worries me.
Our cat Oyster was gone for two days-- Speedy (was it Speedy or Stinky?  I keep forgetting!) kept going on and on about how worried she was, and I kept asking her to stop-- it was stressing me out and not actually going to help us find Oyster any faster.  This morning, she said again how worried she was-- did I think Oyster got eaten by a fox? And The Boy turned to her and said, "Stop saying bad things, Mommy!" (I found Oyster an hour later, huddled in the upper loft of a neighbor's barn-- I think she took shelter there from the rain and somehow got too scared to come out, and last night we had another thunderstorm.)

So that is where we are.... The air is heavy and the sky is overcast, but I am not sure if the storm is coming or going.