I have been reading about depression, as the thing itself corrodes my wife and our relationship from the inside out. Some of you asked if it's situational: yes and no. I think the move has triggered some long-simmering discontents for Stinky-- being farther from her aging parents and away from the familiar charms of the city (must I enumerate them again? Wine bars; good coffee; these things called bagels that seem to elude us outside of the city limits; friends) has uncovered some ugly truths as she faces mid-life without a crowning moment in her career, without a boatload of ready retirement cash, without some kind of life glory that would, I dunno, validate her existence.
I am not one to pursue some external meaning in life; I find the very concept tiring and vaguely annoying. I believe you make your own meaning just as you find your own happiness, and that anything else is hollow or deluded; seeking some external source of self is the stuff of cults and fascists...writ large, it's Jonestown and Nazism...
[rest of rant deleted]
But Stinky is on a never-ending quest to find meaning and validation, past mistakes assume monster proportions in her depressed mind, evidence of grand-scale character failings and moral turpitude. By association, I am also condemned. You can imagine how this looks after a long day, as we bicker over bills and dishes.
I think depression is a mean, self-centered, narcissistic, bully of a disease. It gives license to formerly kind and loving people to act like a$$holes and apologize only by way of blaming the disease. I hate it. And it is killing us.
I look at The Boy, who is still in the midst of a sudden onslaught of fever, nausea, vomiting and diarrhea, sleeping fitfully beside me as the antibiotics flush the ear infection out and his equilibrium slowly returns, and I feel a visceral rage at Stinky and her godd@amn depression that is tearing the guts right out of our family. I admit it: I am thinking of leaving. If this does not improve, I have to think of The Boy's health and future. Much as I know he loves her-- and her, him-- I know that in the long run, this depression will wound him in ways that can't be undone. I am starting to think he would be better off as the son of a single mom.
Anyone out there with experience to talk me off the ledge? I hate to plead for help, but this is a time that I really need it. I have been a terrible commenter, and I don't really deserve your help-- but if you can, I'd deeply appreciate any words that can help me regain my footing here.
Longtime lurker here coming out in comments for a topic I know well. First, so sorry you are struggling, depression is.not.fair. Has Stinky talked to someone about what she is stuck in? I know western mass well enough to know it is the land of therapists. And depression is the worst in that it makes even this step seem impossible. If she refuses, I at least recommend that you talk to someone before leaving, to see if it could offer some tools for the situation before it comes so dire you have no other choice but to leave.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comment. Stinky *has* been seeing a therapist, but to no great effect. She also has a pill pusher, but none of the meds seem to have worked-- Lexapro in fact only made it worse. But you're right. Maybe *I* should talk to someone. I want to make it her problem, but obviously it's gone much further than that :( Thanks-- I will see if I can find one, or at least a partners-of-depressed-people support group, if such a thing exists?
DeleteNow that I have read other replies, I am wondering if some couples therapy would be best here. In my experience, me and others usually wait too long to do this and then it becomes "divorce therapy" and how to split things up. But if you were to go now maybe you could catch the issue before it is too late, and there could be a space for her to really get how angry this is making you. I think those feelings are as important as the depression, because now this is about all three of you, not just her process. It is so hard. I am sorry. Good luck on whatever path you take...
DeleteNot all therapists are created equal (or work for all patients). If the current one isn't working, how about trying another? Lots in the news recently about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which besides being scientifically shown to actually work (unlike many forms of talk therapy), has a specific focus of controlling these spiraling thought patterns.
DeleteInteresting read as my family is in the same boat although I am the depressed one. My blog is locked up these days but I've spent 2 months in the hospital and I'm going back for 2 more. Nothing is helping and I know I'm causing serious strain on my family. My DW would never share these feelings with me but I know they are there. The sad thing is that sometimes I wish she would leave so that it gets S out of the situation I've created. I am a depressed asshole too.
ReplyDeleteI think you should seek some sort of couples counselling before making any decisions. I know I have been told that mid-crisis is not the time to be making big decision
You are right... it just feels like the crisis is never ending. I am so sorry to hear that you are in the same boat, even if it's a different seat. I respond to depression with anger-- it sounds like your DW has some better coping mechanisms. I hope you all get through it together.
DeleteI am so sorry. First instinct, as ever, is to suggest couples therapy (and/or therapy for her). Unless you're already doing so. Marriage is worth fighting for, but I can understand wanting to throw in the towel if you see no brighter skies ahead. Best of luck.
ReplyDeleteThank you... I am trying to resist the urge to throw in the towel, but after so long, the urge has become very strong. I almost can't remember the Stinky I once knew, before depression ate her from the inside out :(
DeleteI'm sorry everything is so bleak right now. I know the depression beast well. (See recent post, in fact.) It is GOOD that she is seeing a therapist and a doctor who can prescribe meds. The really shitty thing is that it can take time to find the right meds and some of the ones you try make how you are feeling worse (this just happened to me last month) and the ones that do work take a long time to do so. The whole situation sucks, but I encourage her to persevere--it sounds like medication is what she needs and once she finds the right one, it WILL help. Therapy, as well, I've found, WILL help. But it also takes some time. And the willingness to do the hard work.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you need support for yourself right now before making any decisions. So you can figure out where you are and what is best for all 3 of you.
Good luck. I know this sucks and I'm sorry you are going through it.
Thank you. Not sure I got the password, but if you will send it to me, I will read it. I am sorry I have been such a shitty commenter. I have been trying to keep abreast. Pleas go ahead and send your password to me at kgsavoie-- gmail (No offense taken if you don't want to share.) Thank you for your support & thoughts!
Deletei'm sorry you both are going through this. i don't have great tips, but i do think it's good that she's doing things about it (that means she hasn't given up). and i agree that you might also need to do things about it (because even though you're not depressed, it's a problem for you, too, and causing other problems). i hope you both find your way out.
ReplyDeletealso, this circulated on the interwebs this week, and while i've never fallen all the way down into the depths of it, i recognize this description as very apt: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html
Thank you for the link! It is actually very helpful. I am passing it on to Stinky. Maybe if she can talk to me honestly about what's going on I can trade my anger for empathy. Right now I just feel like an anger monster :(
DeleteOh my. We haven't connected in a really, really long time. My fault. Wanna know why? I was really depressed this past winter.
ReplyDeleteTurns out, I am always depressed but winter, oh that beast of a season, it wants to kill me. Maybe it wants to kill Stinky, too?
After I figured out I had PPD, I started meds and I wasn't an asshole anymore and I (in general) feel pretty great but this past winter made me hide.
It does sound like she needs the right meds. But I admit, I'm worried. The right meds can't make up for her 'past life' and the distance from her family. If these are things she is still actively mourning...meds/therapy aren't going to fix that:(
Obviously I don't know how bad it is, but if it's bad enough to blog about it, that's bad. I'm sorry. No answers, only sympathy.
Depression is a bitch.
Thanks...good to hear from you. It's hard to believe that you-- so capable and inspiring-- are also susceptible to that bitch, but I am glad you are feeling better. Can't wait to hear more about your travel plans.
DeleteBut does depression cause the endless reexamination of past mistakes or vice versa? I always thought it was the depression causing her to ceaselessly brood on the past and any perceived fault in her life, but maybe there is an element of actual mourning there...
Hmm. My depression does not do this-no. It makes me want to hide from people and stay inside and zone out and forget to eat (hard when you have 2 kids so I do my best to fake it until I make it).
DeleteHonestly, Stinky's depression sounds a lot more like a mid-life crisis and thinking there was more to it....than where she is now. And I mean SHE not the family component.
I am sorry you're going through this. My partner and I have spent a couple of years negotiating life with depression and it's awful. I feel so helpless that there's nothing I can do to fix her. She's in therapy and has medication - which has helped. It's worth trying different ones, too. I think what made the biggest difference for me was recognizing that I could/should take control of the things I wanted fixed. Like sex. We weren't having it, so I announced I would be having it by myself. It made me feel better and was a clear illustration for her of what needed to change. Mostly, it gave her depression less power over me. If I wanted to go to the park, I went. And so on. Good luck to you and I second the suggestion to see a therapist!
ReplyDeleteGood idea re: taking control- That is very much a party of the issue, that I am SICK TO DEATH of being controlled by her mood. If she wants to talk, we talk, if she's happy, we're happy, if she's mad, we're mad, etc., etc. Needless to say, sex has become a stranger. I like the idea of regaining control in that respect-- though if it were now, I'd just be having angry sex, and that would be pretty unpleasant by myself ;-) But good idea for when I'm not feeling quite so PO'ed.
DeleteI don't really have any good advice, unfortunately. :/ But I wanted to say sorry that this sucks so badly. I'm trying to remember why you guys moved out of the city and I can't remember now. You could always go back, in theory, but your location is obviously not the root of the problem so it can't be fixed just by that. I'm glad she's seeing someone about it and I agree that it sounds like you should, too, at least to figure out what your options are and what is the best road to take. Leaving is a big decision but life is too short to put up with bullshit. I hope everything works out sooner rather than later.
ReplyDeleteThank you. Still not sure what's going to happen. We are going to therapy and I guess we'll see where that goes. I feel pretty hopeless at this point, but thanks for your support
DeleteJust saw this. We should talk in real life, but Mary's depression manifested in what seems very like Stinky's - a deep discontent with current circumstances and a lot of regret about the past. It was exhausting trying to constantly reassure her every night when she came home from her dissatisfying job that things would be okay and to have some hope about the future. As you know, we eventually broke up. We did do couples counseling for a couple of sessions, but we weren't married with a child, so I don't think we felt a really strong desire to make things work. Between me and Maria, I'm definitely the depressed one, and I think I drive Maria pretty crazy sometimes. We have almost split up a couple of times because my sadness (mostly while we were trying so hard to get pregnant) was dragging her down. I agree with others here - couples counseling sounds like a great thing to do, and I don't think you'll regret doing it, no matter what happens in the future. I don't want to be all up in your business, but please, please call or email me if you need anything at all.
ReplyDeleteThis has been sitting in my reading for a few days as I wanted to think about how to respond, maybe even talk to W about her thoughts. I havent discussed it much on the blog as its not something we (as a couple) deal with much but W has been dealing with depression since college. She is a huge advocate of therapy and drugs - FWIW. We have been in couples therapy for almost our entire relationship. I had never been in therapy before meeting W and am generally a very happy (read: logical) person, but after convincing me that happy couples DO go to therapy, I have to admit that the bi-weekly hour to talk about US, is the best date night every. Its so important to set aside time to discuss our feelings and hopes and anger....well, its just a fantastic space to set aside time to connect-- and it has made our relationship so much stronger.
ReplyDeleteAfter W's miscarriage she was in dark, dark place. It was the first time that I really realized the power of depression to not only effect her, but actual monopolize our family. Those 3 weeks were among the hardest of our relationship, as I walked on eggshells, took over 100% of izzy-care and was actively avoiding time alone with my wife. I felt alone, helpless and angry - mainly at her for "letting her depression take over". That brief glimpse of what you must be going through makes me all the more empathetic and CONVINCED that some self-care (therapy, time alone or time with supporting friends) is really important to maintaining yourself -- and your ability to negotiate with Stinky about what happens next. Sending thoughts westward!
I think it is courageous of you to blog about this, even though I know it probably feels like an act of desperation. If anyone has any advice on how to convince a reluctant partner to enter couples therapy, please fill me in.
ReplyDeleteI have so many things I want to say, but I I'll try to keep it short. I was the depressed one, and my wife left me and took our child with her in the harshest of manners possible, dumping me at my worst and taking the best thing I'd ever had. Many other factors were involved, of course, and I am sure your situation is fraught with factors as well. I don't presume to know all the details of your life, and what you have walked through together.
ReplyDeleteBut I would say if she is willing to work on it, REALLY work on it, and not just talk about it, then support her doing that. But you can't do it for her. If she is really truly trying, consider that before making the big choice.
And Eckhart Tolle really helped me. Check out his work if you can. I lost my house, my job, my wife, my baby, and even my dog in the divorce, and somehow still made it through even with depression. Sometimes you don't know how strong you are until you have no other option.
Best of luck, I hope everything works out for you soon.
You're still here! I don't know if you'll ever see this comment, but I really hope you're doing well. It's heartbreaking to think that your partner took your child away from you. I hope you've been able to re-establish contact and am so sorry if you have not.
DeleteLove,
Pom
Hi, wow-- thank you for sharing this... I am glad to see you are still out there.
DeleteI hope you are finding a way forward-- and that you are able to see your baby!
I have much more to ask-- are you blogging? Can we find you??
Just reaching out with support although not much advice. We are in couples therapy (not something I'd admit on my own blog right now as I have IRL friends who read who are not a part of the queer mom circle). I really think it helps. I hope it helps you too if you choose to go that route.
ReplyDeleteTo Schro and Pom,
ReplyDeleteYes, I am still here! (and alive!) I do indeed have a blog, but its private, and its not exactly pretty. If you would like, send me your email address and I will give you access if you want. The very short version of the story is that Brandy (my former partner) lives in LA with her new girlfriend, who our daughter, Quinn, calls "Mommy". The moved in together less than a year after our divorce. I get to see Quinn once every three weeks for a day, supervised by Brandy the entire time. The drive is about 7 hours each way, but I haven't missed one yet. She's beautiful, and so smart! I am picking up the pieces and plodding along the best I can here in central california still.
Chris, good to hear from you-- though I am sorry that you are going through such a challenging time. I don't have your email so, I am reply here-- feel free to send me a note to delete this comment if you don't want it "public". My email is kgsavoie...gmail. I will fwd your comment to Pom to be sure she gets the note. Thanks so much for writing!
ReplyDelete