We're coming out of it, slowly. But this is what has been happening.
For the past month or so, Stinky's been in a deep, dark stink. Depression. She comes home from work, lies on the couch and moans about how terrible life is, how she hates the fact that we moved here, how she misses Brooklyn, how we'll never get ahead financially, etc., etc. (Meanwhile I write perky article for pay with headlines like "5 Instant Stress Busters".)
I hate it. I hate depression. I am no good at being supportive, because it taps into my deeply judgmental side. It triggers my anger. I am not good at keeping my mouth shut because the banal tasks of feeding and cleaning the living beings that depend on me sometimes outstrip my energy reserves and I need help. I am not good at faking it.
So we reach an angry impasse, Speedy sulking and sighing, me huffing and slamming. The boy, obliviously absorbed in his own world, seems not to notice. But I hate that on some days I feel like we are those parents, the ones I swore I'd never be. Silently angry and seething with each other and overly sweet and attentive to him to compensate for the iciness that engulfs our own relationship.
We are getting better. Stinky is perking up, whether because of my demands or in spite of them I don't know. My anger is receding. The boy is just as fabulous as ever. I hope Spring time will bring a desperately needed fresh perspective.
Oh no! I wondered what was going on with your silence? It's not a fun place to be in at all. We have been those parents too, when we didn't see eye to eye. When we wanted to kill each other because we were at polar opposites in our thinking about things.
ReplyDeleteIs the move a continual / permant stressor? What is that about?
I'm so sorry. I know that as we disconnect through anger we have tried to remember why we like each other, how things were when we wee young and dumb and we try to go on dates and stuff and have fun. Sometimes we discuss plans and hopes and dreams and sometimes we just chill. Good luck! I hope the spring improves the moods!
Do you have someone who can watch the boy so you can have date nights? We don't do it nearly often enough, but it does really help to reconnect and remember who you are outside of being parents. DS is in preschool now and we got the bright idea to do a weekly breakfast date, which we are really enjoying. Is Stinky open to therapy and/or ADs?
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you are both going through this - it sucks. I hope that Spring brings the change that you are hoping for.
amen to that! I am totally in your shoes in terms of being more "depressed" by depression that the person afflicted with it, but after working out some 'tricks' early on in our relationship -- and bi-weekly "date nights" with our therapist, we have found a way to connect over (or at least in-spite of) depression. For W its more of a "the world is so fucked up" kind of sadness, so maybe that makes it easier to connect over. Regardless, love the suggestion for date-night and sending a hug your way.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for your comments! I have to try to be more patient, but I think you are right re: date nights. Babysitting is an unexpected challenge: Our regular sitter (whom I love dearly) is Catholic and attends Mass on Friday nights (We don't talk religion; she is lovely and the boy loves her and is safe with her. That is enough for me.) Others are rarely available on short notice but often cancel with no notice or reason at all. Still, I think you all are right, committing to a date night to remember what we like about each other as people (not just parents) is probably key.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I'm going to Barbados for a week on Sunday-- with the boy but not Stinky-- on a long-planned trip with a friend (no winking; just a friend). When I come back, perhaps I will be in a better frame of mind. Sun and beaches do can do wonders. :)
Yes, depression sucks. And so does being on the other side of it.
ReplyDeleteLOVE YOU
You're back! I just noticed! Yay!
ReplyDeleteDepression is hard on everyone around it, I think. I know that when PB is feeling down, I am less patient than I should be. I try to help her feel better, but when that is rejected, I get angry and I pick fights. A decent amount of the time I realize what I'm doing, but keep doing it anyway. At least if we're arguing it's a change of headspace, you know? This is probably terrible logic, but there you have it. I have more or less accepted that Critter will see us fight sometimes, which I don't like. But I tell myself that he also sees us reconcile and be kind to each other, and that has value to it as well.
As far as your new living situation goes, do you think it's a permanent unhappiness (that you might consider changing your living situation for...?), or a symptom of the more general emotional/mental state? It's hard going from someplace where you're very connected to a place where you have very few ties. Maybe there's some group you all could join, or some activity you could take part in, to be more involved in the local community? I know it's hard to manage such things with a small child, and more so with someone who is feeling the weight of depression, but feeling less isolated might help both of you.
Also, date night sounds like a fabulous idea.
I hope things improve soon!
Thanks for the comments! Things are getting better for Stinky, which is good-- I am glad she is feeling a bit more optimistic, but it underscores the fickle nature of depression, and how unmoored it is from reality, when one day is terrible and the next is good, the only difference being the state of mind she's in.
ReplyDeleteThanks for all the suggestions, too. We will try a date night soon if we can find a sitter!